failure by default

dsc01040yesterday after getting back from bible study I had a major bad mom moment. like, horrifying. like, I went in to grab my water bottle before going on a walk with C and Scout and forgot to put the lock on the stroller with our baby in stroller and finding baby in stroller across the street tipped over on its side in the grass. it was a terrifying and helpless feeling as I sprinted across the street to my crying baby. initially I was so focused on making sure C was okay that I really had no reaction. then the relief came as I learned she was okay, (praise God!) just very scared. almost immediately a woman who was at the park across from our house came to make sure we were okay and began consoling me. that’s when the tears started to swell. it had finally sunken in how miserably i had failed our daughter. how i had failed at my job as her comforter, protector, provider in that moment.

a surge of what ifs and could haves started whirling through my mind as I held C and listened to her calm down in my arms. and in that moment God gave me the power of His amazing truth that I so desperately needed to hear. Philippians 4:8 says,

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

as my mind started going down a destructive path, God reminded me that He tells us to think on things that are TRUE and REAL. and in that moment, I needed to remind myself that God had protected her, she’s safe, she’s unharmed, and she got very scared. even still, throughout that entire day I struggled with running over different scenarios in my head that were not true and my mind would move on to thinking about the next horrible injury she could’ve gotten after I would rule one out.

today reminded me of something very humbling and very important. I am a failure by default. I am a sinner. I will never be the perfect, flawless mother to C. we has parents will never be able to perfectly parent our children, despite our best efforts. I will fail her as a mother throughout her life in one way or another. but the good news that fills my heart with so much peace is that in my weakness, God intercedes. He fills my gaps, and then some. God is always caring, protecting, watching over, loving, and providing for our babies even when we fail to. and that He will always do a better job at all of those things more than I ever could. this is a humbling realization. I am deeply thankful to serve a God like that! I am grateful that

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
  they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. -Lamentations 3:22-23

stay filled with the word friends,

-C

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